This is it, folks. This is the pinnacle of human achievement. Read our review here: https://podofblunders.com/2021/02/19/you-are-quarantined-with-adam-driver-and-he...
You Are Quarantined With Adam Driver And He Is Insisting On Reading You His New Script
A downloadable game
Amid a global crisis, you have been quarantined inside your home with Adam Driver, the actor. The circumstances behind how you were locked in your home with Adam Driver are unimportant for the purposes of this game, but you may want to think about them in your free time.
Adam Driver has not been idle during this time of isolation, and has written several scripts he is insisting you hear. Having nothing better to do, you decide to let him read them to you. Adam Driver has said he is looking forward to hearing your feedback, and you’re excited to discuss heady themes, symbolism, political, and philosophical concepts with the famous actor, Adam Driver.
There is one catch. Adam Driver is very very sensitive to critique, and while you value his work, you are concerned that your attempts to help him find his ideas and voice will be received as attacks, or that Adam Driver will respond with overt defensiveness. This would be bad, as you have to live alongside Adam Driver for the foreseeable future, and you don’t want to deny the world his work.
To play this game, you will need a twenty sided dice, some paper, and a strong mental image of the actor, Adam Driver.
Click download now to get access to the following files:
- Minor UpdateMay 24, 2020
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Had a dream last night where I was recommending tabletop rpgs to Adam Driver and somehow didn't mention this one. To make up for this injustice, I've given this very good game a 5-star rating.
In your defense there is no way on gods green earth that I would mention this to adam driver lmfao
I liked this game a lot but it really kicked into high gear when I replaced the name "Adam Driver" with "Neil Breen"
Adam Driver’s Podium, a genetic ethics road movie
This film has an wonderful premise and lightness of tone that reminds one of Little Miss Sunshine. Harrison Ford plays an aging Olympian whose medal was melted down for the war effort. After his daughter, played by Brie Larson, wins a silver in shooting, he decides to get his medal recast. Adam Driver plays a bit of a layabout schlub to make it clear the Olympic drive skipped a generation. We have some incredible performances from everyone involved. Harrison Ford’s usual standoffishness was rather charming and refreshed what at times was a poorly paced film. Brie Larsen is believable as an Olympian, but not perhaps as Adam Driver’s daughter as presented. It’s clear the director is building a triumvirate with Driver as the odd man out, but it’s a movie that tells and doesn’t show. When we get scenes packed with interesting ephemera of the lives of the family, it’s a breath of fresh air that reinvigorates what at times drags. Scene to scene we are put into more and more incredible positions, but the framework to hold it is rather bare. The time we focus on Driver’s character feels misspent, it’s clear that Larsen and Ford are the interesting characters. They have a relationship with the camera that Driver somehow fails to establish himself. Perhaps it’s a result of being a triple threat. Driver wrote, directed, and stars. Perhaps he should have sent the script to a trustworthy editor and given it the additional time it needs with a fresh pair of eyes. With the script out of his hands and out of his head, I imagine that Driver’s natural charisma and incredible technique could have shown through more clearly. It’s a film that shoots for the gold, but barely makes bronze. And I don’t see it making it to the next Olympics.
Review: Driven, starring Adam Driver
A Clever Concept Driven Too Far
Driven is an interesting concept movie, at least on paper. Adam Driver stars as himself, and the story clearly intends to be an unflinching look at how the film industry grinds up its brightest stars. What could be a somber autobiopic, however, is given a "This is the End" treatment when an obsessive fan, Olivia--clearly a gender-swapped John Oliver--replaces Driver's chauffeur, kidnaps him, and leads half of Hollywood on a wild car chase through the streets.
The film is, mostly, a resounding "okay." Alas, Driver's attempts to write a cracking action film with snappy dialogue veers too often into broad, unfunny punchlines: a director who utterly delights in his predicament and scrambles to replace him with Ben Affleck; a running gag involving a rogue craft services bus; and a bizarre mob plot that forces the now-heroic Driver to team up with his erstwhile kidnapper to save the day. All of this culminates in a literal and figurative 50-car pileup of plots that left me more confused than satisfied.
Driver would have been better off picking a lane: angsty biopic or action joyride. Instead he tries to have it both ways, and drives a carload of potential straight off a cliff.
This movie could well be a cult classic, but will be unlikely to achieve mainstream success. The opening scenes where the blue collar and white collar criminals team up to rob a bank are slow and confused, and characters are not adequately developed, nor is a clear theme established. However, the action really picks up when the first gunfight occurs. The fighting is very well choreographed, and we have a real thriller on our hands at this point. The proceeding twist for the criminal characters to relocate to Iceland is rather novel, but the pace once again slows down as they adapt to Icelandic life, and the commentary about Iceland’s “strangeness” may not resonate with international viewers. Once we are introduced to the mid-movie antagonists, we start to see the movie really become the gem that it is. Characters really come into their own, and we have a series of events that really get you invested. The costuming in these scenes are also astounding, and will be the inspiration of cosplayers for years to come. The impact of the mid-movie conflict is somewhat cheapened by the deaths of several minor characters and the swiftness with which these antagonists are defeated, but the action is once again good and pleasing to watch. When the government-cyborg robocop comes in, many viewers are left shaking their heads in confusion, and the plot loses itself in a haze of (admittedly beautiful) gunfire. This does lead to some very quotable moments though, and oddly enough sets the movie up for a satisfying conclusion that actually does arrive at the point it was trying to make, if in a roundabout way.
6/10 Guilty pleasure.
CERES (202X) REVIEW (SPOILERS)
DISCLAIMER: During the COVID-19 pandemic, I found myself quarantined with the director of this film, Adam Driver, for several weeks. However, I think you will find that this is little conflict of interest, given my opinions. It will be impossible to talk about some of the aspects of this film I found particularly troublesome without delving into spoilers, so the short of it is this: Terrible film that you should skip for the sake of your short time on Earth and your sanity.
Ceres, former actor Adam Driver's debut into writing and directing, is a confusing, drawn-out, boring mess of a film that clearly has something it wants to say but an absolutely horrific way of saying it. I am convinced that the script of this film would not have left the slush pile if not for the name of Adam Driver. It is filled with the hallmarks of amateur writing--an utterly unlikable protagonist, themes with the subtlety of an atom bomb and the clarity of jello, and an hour-long dream sequence.
And past all that is the elephant in the room--an absolute abandonment of any attempt at historical accuracy whatsoever. Now, I am not generally a big stickler for getting every detail right (particularly since this film does have fantasy elements--more on that later), but I do at least generally expect an attempt to be made to get the time period right. But the setting of a settlement on the edge of the Roman Empire (attacked and taken over by vague "barbarians" about twenty minutes into the film--something quite troubling to see in a film that has released in 202X, even in the context of the Roman perspective) is completely unbelievable. It is clearly trying to shove in a metaphor for the modern charity industry and its contrast to proper welfare, but it just doesn't fit in the ancient setting. It's such a poor fit that it has to come down to essentially portraying the Roman Empire as a Marxist state--a bizarre choice which I can't even begin to unpack. It's clear no research was done at all.
Of course, I can't discuss this film without addressing the full hour-long dream sequence in which our protagonist, Julius(played by Adam Driver), is forced to reckon with the titular Ceres (Daisy Ridley), Roman goddess of agriculture, who spends the time haunting him and lecturing him about the moral importance of helping the poor. Not that he doesn't deserve the lecture--despite being a soldier who is tasked with giving Roman citizens the crops they need to survive, Julius has all the care for the "weak and undeserving" (quote) of a French royal just before the Revolution. It's clear a redemption arc was attempted, but he legitimately neither does nor says anything remotely redeeming the entire first two hours of the film before he is visited by the goddess. I thought perhaps their previous work on the Star Wars films would provide even a hint of chemistry between Driver and Ridley, but this was quickly dashed by the hour-long lecture and the clear look of distress on Ridley's face the entire time, as if she didn't want to be there.
This is followed by Julius praying for salvation, fully Christian style in a blatant misrepresentation of Hellenistic beliefs, and being answered by Jupiter (Sean Bean), who strikes down all the barbarians with lighting. This is meant to be his redemption--enough of a redemption that he deserves to then become the settlement's new ruler. That's actually how the film ends. It's an absolutely surreal mess and a waste of three hours, as well as perhaps being the most boring piece of media I have ever consumed in my life. I urge you to skip this.
FINAL SCORE: 2/10--AWFUL
+Surprisingly good cinematography
-Literally everything else makes me want to be struck down by Jupiter
a masterpiece i come back to regularly
If my editor would allow it, “Straight Shooter” would be the first film I give a 6 star rating, it seems 5 stars must suffice. Prior entanglements with Adam aside, he has created a transgressive piece of neo-NEO-noir that makes me once more, believe in a guiding light in our universe. Ladies and Gentleman, that guiding light is the expertly realized character of Gail McEnroe.
Gail McEnroe (Imelda Staunton) is the titular “straight shooter” a one time suffragette turned private investigator who has given up on her faith; masterfully hinted at by the deft script as a result of the encroaching sexism of her trade. She is a revelation, a character whom is at once as cynical, downtrodden, and pent-up as we all are right now.* This is changed when Pauline Kadaeskeu (Florence Pugh) comes with the case of a lifetime, to find out how her father (Adam Driver) has returned from the Great War after being killed in action.
Do not get me wrong, I myself read this description and into my mind flitted tired thrillers, and psychological horrors of yesteryear, most often coming up short of their low expectations. This film proves the rule. By the end of the film you will believe in the impossible, you will hold those quarantined* alongside you close, and together will become whole. A transformative piece of work like this only comes once in not just a generation, but once in an epoch. See this film, because to watch “Straight Shooter” is to glimpse the face of god himself.
*editors note: Publication was written during the Quarantine epidemic of 2020.
Adam Driver's unofficial addition to the Aliens franchise starts off with an aggressively sexual expository scene and a gratuitous death that fails to set up the appropriate expectations for the audience. He retreads familiar Aliens story lines with small twists that are ultimately forgettable. The characters are generic and lack any personality. There are no emotional stakes. It feels passionless and paint by the numbers. It beats the audience over the head with the corruption of corporations and doesn't seem to have a clear feeling about the morality of the blue collar protagonists. It is ultimately boring with a twist at the end seeming to try to shoehorn in diversity at the very end. A muddled, mess that rests on the films that came before it and flashy effects. During the screening, Mr. Driver attempted to direct the audience into giving the reactions he deemed appropriate.
I struggled to help Adam to see that Legend of the Driven, an extremely violent martial arts film may not have been the best way for him to showcase his true feelings regarding the devastating effects of the film industry on Adam Driver. Nevertheless, we reached a compromise: the violence was one of the soul and the martial arts where those of Adam Driver's struggle against an unforgiving industry. The results were...
Well, it was certainly a movie. I know he was hoping for an Independent Spirit Award, but at least he'll get MTV's Best Kiss. The scene where a film executive punched out his heart and Adam kissed it while sobbing will go down in cinematic history.
I can't say I'll miss having Adam as my roommate, but I'll cherish the brief time we had together.
Sundance 202X Day 3: The Ballad of Bööls Jorgaan
…this reviewer did not have high hopes for Adam Driver's big-screen biopic of the 19th century Dutch missionary, Bööls Jorgaan. There's no doubting Drivers' passion for his historical subject; after all, he shocked the nation by revealing that he'd gone back to school with his Star Wars money to pursue a graduate degree in the study of this man's life.
However, such passion did not extend to the quality of the screenplay first-time screenwriter Driver has provided. The film is, yes, intensely beautiful. Shot on location in Indonesia, the cinematography, production design, and costume design is top-notch. But the characters that live within this world are as wooden as a pair of kloppen.
Despite writer/director/star Adam Driver's charisma and unconventional good looks, Bööls Jorgaan himself is a difficult character to empathize with or even care about. In the year of our Lord 202X, one expects the story of a white missionary visiting Indonesia to be nuanced. Despite the lavish amount of historical research (especially into the lives of the indigenous characters) and willingness to embrace history in all its filthiness, the story at the heart of this film remains hopelessly dated and, by modern standards, uninteresting.
The supporting cast is excellent, but the secondary male lead, whose incandescent chemistry with Driver threatens to make the film interesting, is disposed of as soon as a love triangle is introduced, seemingly to try and make Bööls Jorgaan seem cool and hot. It is a failed attempt.
While I hope to see more from the wickedly talented Driver, I would recommend that my audience give The Ballad of Bööls Jorgaan a pass.
★☆☆☆☆ Different But Also Not Different - a road trip movie about genetic ethics and pigeons
Josh Blincow, Film Critic
@Goblincow 3/10/21 09:00
18 months ago I had the dis/pleasure of reading the earliest draft of Different But Also Not Different, Adam Driver's directorial debut, but nothing could have prepared me to see it brought to life on the big screen.
In one of the most agonising viewing experiences of my humble existence, I forced myself to watch as grieving father William Miller (Driver) traveled by taxi across a surrealist California to collect his freshly genetically reborn son Jake (also Driver) in the hopes of repairing his failing marriage to Monica (also Driver).
It's time to address the Adam Driver-sized elephant in the room: from its inception, Driver insisted on portraying every character in the film - except for William's curmudgeonly father William Sr., inexplicably played by Star Wars' Ian McDiarmid.
To say it makes for a surreal experience would be an understatement, and while successful reviews typically tend to avoid plot synopses, there's really no other way to talk about Driver's unique debut. I've included a spoiler warning for ardent fans of Driver's work, but I implore you to avoid this film like the plague that inspired Driver to write this film, should it ever curse paying audiences with wide release.
Different But Also Not Different quickly establishes its confused themes with a voice over flashback to William's son playing with his favourite animal, the humble pigeon, as a workaholic William reflects that he never took the time to appreciate that each one is unique, despite their similar ratty appearances. Pigeons as metaphor are a recurring motif throughout, and while it might seem odd, it's easily the least absurd part of the film.
Less than five minutes in, we are introduced to the film's most persistent and horrifying bad decision: William's taxi driver (again, also Driver), whose face is concealed until what I assume is supposed to be a twist reveal at the end of the film, though it's clear who's playing him and exactly what he'll look like when he turns around from silhouette alone. And in a sane world, that would be true. But no. For some reason, the taxi driver is Adam Driver in brownface, doing what I can only assume is supposed to be some sort of an accent that honestly hurts to listen to. I don't know where to begin. I am in no way equipped to discuss the many, many levels on which this is not okay, but I cannot stress enough that I urged Adam Driver to reconsider after reading his first draft, but apparently he had his heart set on it. I regret to say that I expected more from famous actor Adam Driver.
Let's quickly run through the rest, because if I fixate on that it will be the whole review, and at this point surely nothing else in the film can be that bad. Right?
William takes a detour on the way to the genetics lab to drop his father off at a chemotherapy appointment, when the car is accosted by a woman pretending to be in labour (also Driver, don't ask me why). After stabbing William with a knife and being pushed out of the moving taxi, she removes her fake pregnancy bump and hurls it after the vehicle as it drives off. This character shows up in a later scene, but neither she nor William appear to recognise each other, and the scene has no bearing on the rest of the film. I have no idea why it's here.
After convincing the reluctant William Sr. (a racist, misogynist, troll of a man who the film bizarrely tries to portray as endearing) to attend his appointment by emphasizing that William has no time to argue and is bleeding to death, they arrive at the hospital and abandon William Sr., who immediately turns to the camera and exclaims "Thank goodness you were genetically engineered, my son William." Is this an attempt to justify why William is suddenly no longer bleeding by the end of the scene? I'm mystified. Perhaps there is no meaning.
William finally arrives at the genetics lab, meets his new child son (who, just in case you forgot, is also played by the grown adult Adam Driver), and goes to a hotel with him where they bond over pigeons in what might be the single genuinely good scene in the movie if you can get past the uncanny valley of Adam Driver talking to himself acting as a small child. I'd also like to point out that the son is dubbed with the voice of the child actor who we heard at the start of the film. Why, you ask? I don't know. Why even try to explain that which can't be understood? Could it be that I'm wrong about all of this? Does Different But Also Not Different transcend the art of cinema? Is this... kino?
After that screening, mere words have lost all sense of meaning, so I think it's time to wrap this up and finally free myself of Adam Driver's cursed grasp - remember those carefree days when I thought this was a road trip movie? I was so innocent, once.
In a mad rush to make it home in time before Monica's moving van arrives so she can leave William behind for good (yes, I'm still talking about the film, I can't believe it either), William and Jake 2.0 leave the taxi behind in traffic and hurry home on foot. Remember the 'pregnant' woman from earlier? The taxi catches up to them as the traffic clears, and she's inside for some reason. Oh, and it's the same taxi driver even though it's the next day, but honestly that seems like nitpicking at this point. William and the woman don't recognise each other for some reason (could it be that it's a different character and I just couldn't tell?) and they share the taxi on the way home. They're late by the time they arrive to try and stop Monica from leaving, but conveniently her moving van was held up in the same traffic. Also, the pregnant woman disappears mid scene and is never mentioned again. Please don't ask.
Finally (FINALLY) Monica recognises Jake 2.0 as her son when she sees him playing with pigeons in the rain, and as they enter the house as a reunited family, Jake turns to the camera, his eyes glow red, and he explodes a pigeon's head with telekinesis while no one's looking. Yep. Oh, and in the final shot the camera pulls away from the happy family to reveal that the taxi driver was Adam Driver in brownface all along, at which point William Sr. enters frame, passionately kisses him, and with the same red-eyed glare as Jake 2.0, turns the taxi driver into a pigeon. Roll credits.
Final Score: ★☆☆☆☆
Final Review: It would be 0 stars, but it turns out that Adam Driver is a surprisingly good cinematographer, and I'm genuinely impressed that he managed to act all of the parts, direct himself, and operate a camera all at the same time. The racism was weird and bad. Please avoid this film at all costs, or I'll have been through this experience for nothing. I never want to think of famous actor Adam Driver ever again.
Adam Driver was needle-felted by @JiggleLuka. Disclaimer: This is not about the real famous actor Adam Driver. Reylo's please don't hurt me, you scare me the same way K-Pop stans do.
Oh my god
This is hands-down the best review here, just about died laughing.
Take my money.
how many players is this for? i assume 1 gm and 1 player
It's a solo game, just one player, no GM. I have heard rumours that someone has hacked a gmless group play version somewhere, but it's yet to make its way to me.
how do i put in a negative price. i deserve compensation for having to see this with mine own eye