You Are Quarantined With Adam Driver And He Is Insisting On Reading You His New Script

Pliz Help (Given the film's Weimar setting, I can only assume Pliz is a misspelling of the German word for mushroom, Pilz) is a bold foray by Adam Driver into the world of screenplay. It is clear that he has truly embraced the genre of the art film, but having only one character does work better if one does not kill them off only a little over halfway through the film's gargantuan five hour runtime. Driver's script starts off strong, with imagery that calls into question what a mushroom cloud may have meant to someone living before the invention of nuclear weaponry and also begins to explore themes of inner spirituality, but proceeds to throw the small, personal narrative world it has created away with the appearance of the mushroom god and her angels, upset at what will soon be done with her image. Ultimately, the ending manages to leave the viewer unsatisfied but with nothing to think about. I give Pliz Help two stars.

Many auteur film projects could be described as masturbatory by the ungenerous critic, but writer/director/star Adam Driver's latest "Forget It, Adam: It's Hollywood" is one of the few that could best be described as figurative autoerotic asphyxiation.

Hardboiled LA detective Adam Shotgun (Driver) is called out of retirement to investigate the suspicious on-set death of Hollywood actor Adam Driver (also Driver.) His client is the mysterious femme fatale and alleged jilted ex-lover of the victim, Eve Passenger (Driver in a wig.) Shotgun's questioning of witnesses and digging through Ridley Scott's garbage is interrupted perhaps one too many times by traumatic flashbacks of the accidental death of Shotgun's infant son Le Self (Driver, not digitally de-aged at all, wearing a bonnet and diaper.)

What should be a dramatic confrontation with prime murder suspect Ridley Scott (Owen Teale) is somewhat deflated when Shotgun breaks into a non-sequitur series of petty accusations of alleged indignities suffered by the real Adam Driver at the hands of the real Scott on the set of The Last Duel (2021.) A critic who says that a film feels voyeuristic is usually praising it, but it is painfully clear that this film is for one person and one person only, and not in a good way. Not even the bloody and admittedly well-choreographed brawl with a pair of prop swords could let me shake the feeling that by remaining in my seat I was complicit in something deeply unsavory and perhaps borderline illegal. In a subsequent confrontation, when Scott killed and cannibalized Shotgun in a Subway restaurant that was central to one of the aforementioned petty grievances, my feeling of relief that this debacle was nearly over soon turned to dread upon realizing that we were only around the 45-minute mark.

Sure enough, the film rambles on for another 90 minutes, which I only inferred from checking my phone afterward, as the final two acts of the film are an incoherent nightmare that made time seem to lose all meaning. Included in this muddle are a surprisingly derogatory and hard-hitting eulogy for Adam Driver delivered by his mother (Driver in a different wig) and a bizarre but convincing PowerPoint presentation implicating a teenaged Adam Driver as an instrumental accomplice in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme.

I come out of the ordeal (and ordeal it was) with a mix of feelings, none of them to the credit of the film or its maker. I can only hope that Driver receives the caring professional help he needs for his issues with anger management, interpersonal skills, survivor's guilt, and possible lack of a stable sense of self. I certainly do not wish to stigmatize the act of coming forward about any of these, and yet I might dare to gently advise those of you suffering in silence to come forward in a slightly different way.

It is safe to assume that the basic writing advice, “write what you know”, can be somewhat limiting—after all, if we were to do so, then how could Tolkien have written about Orcs and Elves, Agatha Christie written about a Belgian detective, or Stephen King written about someone other than a tortured horror author? But there are, in fact, scenarios where you really ought not write something you are unfamiliar with at all. Adam Driver’s 14^th screenplay written during the COVID lockdown, “Murder in the Underground”, is one such scenario.

A sapphic eco-terrorist group has taken on the cause of attacking a Japanese whaling vessel and they are prepared to leave at dawn to intercept the boat, when the murder of their fearless leader brings the would-be sailors’ plans to a grinding halt. Tensions rise as the lack of an intruder in their underground bunker points the finger at someone inside the building as the killer. Sadly, however, this is all the further Mr. Driver seems to have actually planned. The original murder is quickly forgotten in favor of scenes of women just being catty to each other, and the overt exclusion of any male figures in the film itself seems to be less a desire to tell stories from a woman's point of view as it is a cynical effort to pass the Bechdel Test.

One place that a man’s presence is certainly felt, however, is in the writer/director’s chair. The speed at which this diverse group of women breaks down into petty catfighting and cliques betrays the writing of an outsider to leftist activism, intersectional feminism and women’s lives in general, but who feels compelled to say something on those topics anyway...with that 'something' ultimately adding up to not a whole lot. The sloppy attempt at executing a plot twist to tie events up feels more like Mr. Driver realized there were only five minutes left on the film reel, and he was certainly unwilling to sacrifice any of the grindhouse-like ancillary murder that was executed halfway through the film, seemingly just to remind us what the original problem was supposed to be in the first place.

I cannot recommend “Murder in the Underground” to anyone who does not suffer from COVID brainfog because they will unfortunately be able to remember what happened three scenes ago, and will spend the next two scenes asking ‘But what about the murder? You know, the one in the title?’

Adam Driver, the Hollywood actor, pulls off what many considered to be the impossible. No one else has the guts to go in such a bold direction. When the world asked "Who will make a musical about the absence of God?" The actor, Adam Driver stood up and said "I will." Given the pleasure of reading an early version of the script, I could see the potential right from the initial pitch. I'm also proud to see he took my advice in the casting of Nic Cage as Queen Elizabeth. A role I felt Nic had the capability to pull off, and just needed a slight nudge in the right direction and such a chance to truly spread his wings. Adam Driver also seemed to take off running with my idea to show her majesty's full bush. Which from what I understand, took extensive time to apply on Mr.Cage. Although the film shines in many ways there were, however, a few poor choices that seem to have fallen through the cracks. Such as the decision to keep the gay sex scene that features two priests in clown makeup as the Notre Dame burns down around them. Although a true spectacle filmed with cinematography that would make even the great Storaro weep, it may have been lacking in taste; Which I warned Adam of from the first draft. Don't let any of that deter you though! I won't give any spoilers but the climax more than makes up for any of the previously mentioned issues. With a touching story, terrific soundtrack, award worthy performances, and delightful direction (from Hollywood actor, Adam Driver) I highly recommend you go see 'Flight of The Monarch Butterfly' with the whole family.

Adam Driver's most recent film, despite being pitched as a meditation on Marxism through extremely violent martial arts, has no conceivable plot. 

If you want to watch this movie, you only need to watch the first 25 minutes. The pertinent information is front-loaded and crammed into a few short scenes. We meet 100 farmers growing wheat for the Baron. The Baron quickly demands more wheat, begins to fight the workers with ninja stars, brings down mecca-space-ninjas, and sets his satellite lasers to destroy the farmers, who then begin in-fighting. Driver cites the "100-person rule," a sociological finding that states there are no hundred people who can agree on any one thing, for this shift.

The film's latter hour is a gruesome display of the farmers (real-life trained martial artists) being slaughtered by a giant horse. The fact that a mutated, pustule-covered horse is the most recognizable character is telling of the impact this film will have.

This experience has left me with only questions: Why are the characters indigenous but played entirely by a white cast? Why did real actors have to be killed during filming? How did they mutate a horse so precisely? Who allowed this, and why?

I will say, despite obvious flaws, Driver has made some bold artistic choices. Probably not morally correct choices, but choices nonetheless.

It was not long ago that I first read the script for this film. In that introductory moment, I was shocked. Beloved actor Adam Driver was pouring his heart and soul out on my couch about this silent movie he wanted to make. I could do nothing but think about how strangely promising the idea was, flawed as it may seem. After all, how could one convey spirituality in a pre-nuclear world without words?

I'm happy to say that the final version of this film left me as speechless as its characters. I was moved by not just the gorgeous soundtrack, but by the excellent direction. I was skeptical of Driver's choice to direct and star in the film after having written it himself, but truly there was no way that anyone other than Adam could have brought his vision to life in such glorious detail.

The pre-nuclearity of the film was perhaps its most poignant aspect, and, when coupled with the autobiographical spin on the second world war, Driver really drove (no pun intended) his point home. Perhaps, through just a bit of spirituality, the Cold War and all of its ills could have been avoided. The Adam Bomb was truly astonishing, and I recommend that everyone take the four hours out of their weekend to watch this masterpiece.

Had a dream last night where I was recommending tabletop rpgs to Adam Driver and somehow didn't mention this one. To make up for this injustice, I've given this very good game a 5-star rating.

I liked this game a lot but it really kicked into high gear when I replaced the name "Adam Driver" with "Neil Breen"

CERES (202X) REVIEW (SPOILERS)

DISCLAIMER: During the COVID-19 pandemic, I found myself quarantined with the director of this film, Adam Driver, for several weeks. However, I think you will find that this is little conflict of interest, given my opinions. It will be impossible to talk about some of the aspects of this film I found particularly troublesome without delving into spoilers, so the short of it is this: Terrible film that you should skip for the sake of your short time on Earth and your sanity.

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Ceres, former actor Adam Driver's debut into writing and directing, is a confusing, drawn-out, boring mess of a film that clearly has something it wants to say but an absolutely horrific way of saying it. I am convinced that the script of this film would not have left the slush pile if not for the name of Adam Driver. It is filled with the hallmarks of amateur writing--an utterly unlikable protagonist, themes with the subtlety of an atom bomb and the clarity of jello, and an hour-long dream sequence.

And past all that is the elephant in the room--an absolute abandonment of any attempt at historical accuracy whatsoever. Now, I am not generally a big stickler for getting every detail right (particularly since this film does have fantasy elements--more on that later), but I do at least generally expect an attempt to be made to get the time period right. But the setting of a settlement on the edge of the Roman Empire (attacked and taken over by vague "barbarians" about twenty minutes into the film--something quite troubling to see in a film that has released in 202X, even in the context of the Roman perspective) is completely unbelievable. It is clearly trying to shove in a metaphor for the modern charity industry and its contrast to proper welfare, but it just doesn't fit in the ancient setting. It's such a poor fit that it has to come down to essentially portraying the Roman Empire as a Marxist state--a bizarre choice which I can't even begin to unpack. It's clear no research was done at all.

Of course, I can't discuss this film without addressing the full hour-long dream sequence in which our protagonist, Julius(played by Adam Driver), is forced to reckon with the titular Ceres (Daisy Ridley), Roman goddess of agriculture, who spends the time haunting him and lecturing him about the moral importance of helping the poor. Not that he doesn't deserve the lecture--despite being a soldier who is tasked with giving Roman citizens the crops they need to survive, Julius has all the care for the "weak and undeserving" (quote) of a French royal just before the Revolution. It's clear a redemption arc was attempted, but he legitimately neither does nor says anything remotely redeeming the entire first two hours of the film before he is visited by the goddess. I thought perhaps their previous work on the Star Wars films would provide even a hint of chemistry between Driver and Ridley, but this was quickly dashed by the hour-long lecture and the clear look of distress on Ridley's face the entire time, as if she didn't want to be there.

This is followed by Julius praying for salvation, fully Christian style in a blatant misrepresentation of Hellenistic beliefs, and being answered by Jupiter (Sean Bean), who strikes down all the barbarians with lighting. This is meant to be his redemption--enough of a redemption that he deserves to then become the settlement's new ruler. That's actually how the film ends. It's an absolutely surreal mess and a waste of three hours, as well as perhaps being the most boring piece of media I have ever consumed in my life. I urge you to skip this.

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FINAL SCORE: 2/10--AWFUL

+Surprisingly good cinematography
-Literally everything else makes me want to be struck down by Jupiter

If my editor would allow it, “Straight Shooter” would be the first film I give a 6 star rating, it seems 5 stars must suffice. Prior entanglements with Adam aside, he has created a transgressive piece of neo-NEO-noir that makes me once more, believe in a guiding light in our universe. Ladies and Gentleman, that guiding light is the expertly realized character of Gail McEnroe.

Gail McEnroe (Imelda Staunton) is the titular “straight shooter” a one time suffragette turned private investigator who has given up on her faith; masterfully hinted at by the deft script as a result of the encroaching sexism of her trade. She is a revelation, a character whom is at once as cynical, downtrodden, and pent-up as we all are right now.* This is changed when Pauline Kadaeskeu (Florence Pugh) comes with the case of a lifetime, to find out how her father (Adam Driver) has returned from the Great War after being killed in action.

Do not get me wrong, I myself read this description and into my mind flitted tired thrillers, and psychological horrors of yesteryear, most often coming up short of their low expectations. This film proves the rule. By the end of the film you will believe in the impossible, you will hold those quarantined* alongside you close, and together will become whole. A transformative piece of work like this only comes once in not just a generation, but once in an epoch. See this film, because to watch “Straight Shooter” is to glimpse the face of god himself.

*editors note: Publication was written during the Quarantine epidemic of 2020.

Adam Driver's unofficial addition to the Aliens franchise starts off with an aggressively sexual expository scene and a gratuitous death that fails to set up the appropriate expectations for the audience.  He retreads familiar Aliens story lines with small twists that are ultimately forgettable.  The characters are generic and lack any personality.  There are no emotional stakes.  It feels passionless and paint by the numbers.  It beats the audience over the head with the corruption of corporations and doesn't seem to have a clear feeling about the morality of the blue collar protagonists.  It is ultimately boring with a twist at the end seeming to try to shoehorn in diversity at the very end.  A muddled, mess that rests on the films that came before it and flashy effects.  During the screening, Mr. Driver attempted to direct the audience into giving the reactions he deemed appropriate.

Sundance 202X Day 3: The Ballad of Bööls Jorgaan 

…this reviewer did not have high hopes for Adam Driver's big-screen biopic of the 19th century Dutch missionary, Bööls Jorgaan. There's no doubting Drivers' passion for his historical subject; after all, he shocked the nation by revealing that he'd gone back to school with his Star Wars money to pursue a graduate degree in the study of this man's life. 

However, such passion did not extend to the quality of the screenplay first-time screenwriter Driver has provided. The film is, yes, intensely beautiful. Shot on location in Indonesia, the cinematography, production design, and costume design is top-notch. But the characters that live within this world are as wooden as a pair of kloppen. 

Despite writer/director/star Adam Driver's charisma and unconventional good looks, Bööls Jorgaan himself is a difficult character to empathize with or even care about. In the year of our Lord 202X, one expects the story of a white missionary visiting Indonesia to be nuanced. Despite the lavish amount of historical research (especially into the lives of the indigenous characters) and willingness to embrace history in all its filthiness, the story at the heart of this film remains hopelessly dated and, by modern standards, uninteresting.

The supporting cast is excellent, but the secondary male lead, whose incandescent chemistry with Driver threatens to make the film interesting, is disposed of as soon as a love triangle is introduced, seemingly to try and make Bööls Jorgaan seem cool and hot. It is a failed attempt.

While I hope to see more from the wickedly talented Driver, I would recommend that my audience give The Ballad of Bööls Jorgaan a pass. 

★☆☆☆☆ Different But Also Not Different - a road trip movie about genetic ethics and pigeons

Josh Blincow, Film Critic

@Goblincow 3/10/21 09:00

18 months ago I had the dis/pleasure of reading the earliest draft of Different But Also Not Different, Adam Driver's directorial debut, but nothing could have prepared me to see it brought to life on the big screen.

Spoilers ahead.

In one of the most agonising viewing experiences of my humble existence, I forced myself to watch as grieving father William Miller (Driver) traveled by taxi across a surrealist California to collect his freshly genetically reborn son Jake (also Driver) in the hopes of repairing his failing marriage to Monica (also Driver).

It's time to address the Adam Driver-sized elephant in the room: from its inception, Driver insisted on portraying every character in the film - except for William's curmudgeonly father William Sr., inexplicably played by Star Wars' Ian McDiarmid.

To say it makes for a surreal experience would be an understatement, and while successful reviews typically tend to avoid plot synopses, there's really no other way to talk about Driver's unique debut. I've included a spoiler warning for ardent fans of Driver's work, but I implore you to avoid this film like the plague that inspired Driver to write this film, should it ever curse paying audiences with wide release.

Different But Also Not Different quickly establishes its confused themes with a voice over flashback to William's son playing with his favourite animal, the humble pigeon, as a workaholic William reflects that he never took the time to appreciate that each one is unique, despite their similar ratty appearances. Pigeons as metaphor are a recurring motif throughout, and while it might seem odd, it's easily the least absurd part of the film.

Less than five minutes in, we are introduced to the film's most persistent and horrifying bad decision: William's taxi driver (again, also Driver), whose face is concealed until what I assume is supposed to be a twist reveal at the end of the film, though it's clear who's playing him and exactly what he'll look like when he turns around from silhouette alone. And in a sane world, that would be true. But no. For some reason, the taxi driver is Adam Driver in brownface, doing what I can only assume is supposed to be some sort of an accent that honestly hurts to listen to. I don't know where to begin. I am in no way equipped to discuss the many, many levels on which this is not okay, but I cannot stress enough that I urged Adam Driver to reconsider after reading his first draft, but apparently he had his heart set on it. I regret to say that I expected more from famous actor Adam Driver.

Let's quickly run through the rest, because if I fixate on that it will be the whole review, and at this point surely nothing else in the film can be that bad. Right?

William takes a detour on the way to the genetics lab to drop his father off at a chemotherapy appointment, when the car is accosted by a woman pretending to be in labour (also Driver, don't ask me why). After stabbing William with a knife and being pushed out of the moving taxi, she removes her fake pregnancy bump and hurls it after the vehicle as it drives off. This character shows up in a later scene, but neither she nor William appear to recognise each other, and the scene has no bearing on the rest of the film. I have no idea why it's here.

After convincing the reluctant William Sr. (a racist, misogynist, troll of a man who the film bizarrely tries to portray as endearing) to attend his appointment by emphasizing that William has no time to argue and is bleeding to death, they arrive at the hospital and abandon William Sr., who immediately turns to the camera and exclaims "Thank goodness you were genetically engineered, my son William." Is this an attempt to justify why William is suddenly no longer bleeding by the end of the scene? I'm mystified. Perhaps there is no meaning.

William finally arrives at the genetics lab, meets his new child son (who, just in case you forgot, is also played by the grown adult Adam Driver), and goes to a hotel with him where they bond over pigeons in what might be the single genuinely good scene in the movie if you can get past the uncanny valley of Adam Driver talking to himself acting as a small child. I'd also like to point out that the son is dubbed with the voice of the child actor who we heard at the start of the film. Why, you ask? I don't know. Why even try to explain that which can't be understood? Could it be that I'm wrong about all of this? Does Different But Also Not Different transcend the art of cinema? Is this... kino?

After that screening, mere words have lost all sense of meaning, so I think it's time to wrap this up and finally free myself of Adam Driver's cursed grasp - remember those carefree days when I thought this was a road trip movie? I was so innocent, once.

In a mad rush to make it home in time before Monica's moving van arrives so she can leave William behind for good (yes, I'm still talking about the film, I can't believe it either), William and Jake 2.0 leave the taxi behind in traffic and hurry home on foot. Remember the 'pregnant' woman from earlier? The taxi catches up to them as the traffic clears, and she's inside for some reason. Oh, and it's the same taxi driver even though it's the next day, but honestly that seems like nitpicking at this point. William and the woman don't recognise each other for some reason (could it be that it's a different character and I just couldn't tell?) and they share the taxi on the way home. They're late by the time they arrive to try and stop Monica from leaving, but conveniently her moving van was held up in the same traffic. Also, the pregnant woman disappears mid scene and is never mentioned again. Please don't ask.

Finally (FINALLY) Monica recognises Jake 2.0 as her son when she sees him playing with pigeons in the rain, and as they enter the house as a reunited family, Jake turns to the camera, his eyes glow red, and he explodes a pigeon's head with telekinesis while no one's looking. Yep. Oh, and in the final shot the camera pulls away from the happy family to reveal that the taxi driver was Adam Driver in brownface all along, at which point William Sr. enters frame, passionately kisses him, and with the same red-eyed glare as Jake 2.0, turns the taxi driver into a pigeon. Roll credits.

Final Score: ★☆☆☆☆

Final Review: It would be 0 stars, but it turns out that Adam Driver is a surprisingly good cinematographer, and I'm genuinely impressed that he managed to act all of the parts, direct himself, and operate a camera all at the same time. The racism was weird and bad. Please avoid this film at all costs, or I'll have been through this experience for nothing. I never want to think of famous actor Adam Driver ever again.

Adam Driver was needle-felted by @JiggleLuka.
Disclaimer: This is not about the real famous actor Adam Driver.
Reylo's please don't hurt me, you scare me the same way K-Pop stans do.

how many players is this for? i assume 1 gm and 1 player

how do i put in a negative price. i deserve compensation for having to see this with mine own eye